The art of listening & not being selfish

Posing this title for my entry may put me up for some ridicule as I’m in no way an expert nor am I perfect (at either of those things), but being a student of life, there’s always room for improvement. Someone please smack me in the face if I ever announce, “I’ve arrived!

The art of listening is almost an ironic area of growth for me. From a young age I was quite the loquacious person, dubbed with the name “Megan Telecommunications Wiley” at my cousin’s wedding when I was 14. I thoroughly enjoyed talking with people, or should say, having them listen to me, but apparently I wasn’t always the best at listening back. I say it’s ironic, because I chose to go into counseling, a field where listening skills are some of the most important and which you must continually develop. Some very close to me have said over the years, “You don’t listen very well.” Ouch. That was a blow but it hit me where I needed it the most. No pain, no gain, they say.

However, I still find myself very frustrated when talking with certain people that ask you a question and then don’t seem to give a flip about your answer, looking around or obviously being distracted while you talk. One of the worst listening crimes is when you are asked a question about a topic or detail that you already discussed.

Now, I know listening well to someone else can be a tall order when the subject at hand is ridiculously boring or way too detailed to follow, or when you’re in a very busy or high traffic area, but let me share just a few of the tips for better listening habits I’ve gathered over the years:

• Making eye contact. Not 100% continuously (100% eye contact=uncomfortable for everyone), but more or less throughout the conversation.
• Nodding or say “mhm” or “a-hm” to indicate, “I’m following you.”
• Asking those open-ended questions. “What are open ended questions?” you ask? Well, those that do not just solicit a yes/no response. “Was your test hard?” is a no-no. Re-phrase it this way, “How did you find the test?” Or “So, how were you feeling after he said all of that?” instead of, “Did you get mad?” Just ask my younger bro for some ridiculous tongue-in-cheek examples.
• Even facial expressions can indicate that you are following or that you understand what the other person is saying. And if you don’t understand what the other person is saying, or what the message is behind the content, just ask! You’d rather them clarify than making an assumption that what they are saying is something they are happy/sad/angry/fulfilled/flying off the handles about.

The main one I struggle with is being visually over stimulated. In a high traffic area (people, cars, buildings, media, etc.), I find it very difficult to turn off all the extra visual cues in my environment and focus completely on that other person. It becomes obvious when that person turns around or looks over their shoulder to figure out what I am checking out or tuning in to, which is when I catch myself that I’m making the other person feel unvalued and unheard.

Stealing this quote from Kenneth A. Wells adds more: ““A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with.”

And M. Scott Peck pricks me in the heart with this one: “You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.”

Bingo, M.

So why don’t you practice some active listening today? You may be surprised to see what you hear.

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